[He technically IS a criminal. But certainly not an ugly one, and only slimy in the figurative sense. Either way she doesn't need to know that.]

Criminal! You really think that valuing my personal space and the flawless state of my hair is a sign of criminality? Like it matters whether you're blind or not!

At least if I'm trapped here and die, you can't lick my hair. Unless you get in some time after that. But then I won't care because I won't be alive, so I still win.